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gauntlet

The Taunting

The Taunting published on No Comments on The Taunting

gauntlet“It’s on!” For my sister and me, these words mark the official beginning of our annual holiday gift giving tradition: The Taunting. The first to throw down the gauntlet takes the immediate lead. This is always accompanied by a mandatory taunting in a conversation that goes something like this:

“Just so you know, I got you something today.”
“Oh, no, you did not!”
“Yep! It’s on the table. I’m looking at it right now.” This is said slowly and deliberately and in a teasing tone that would make any fourth grader envious.
“That’s not right!” said seriously, followed by an excited “What did you get?”
“Nope! Not telling. You’ll have to wait. But you’re really going to like it.”
“Fine. It’s on, then!”
“Just so we’re clear on the score so far, I have one point. You have none. Have a nice day!”

Most years, this begins some time in the fall. Occasionally, it happens earlier. One year, I started the ball rolling at the beginning of June with a simple text: “It’s on!” Immediately afterwards, I received a long-distance phone call:

“What the hell are you doing? It’s only June!”
“Yep! And I got you two things, which means that you are two points behind me. Suck it up!”
My sister huffed in exasperation, paused briefly, then said menacingly, “Fine. If that’s how you want to play, then that’s how we’ll play. It. Is. On!”

From that point until the day we gather to exchange gifts, whenever one of us acquires something for the other, a taunting text will be sent. One year, we made a mutual agreement to put a spending cap on our purchases. We both blew our budgets by about 100%, each. The next year, we briefly considered trying again, then nixed the idea as pointless.

This year, my sister was the first to issue the taunt.
That’s okay, though.
There’s always next year.

 

 

Construction Catastrophe

Construction Catastrophe published on No Comments on Construction Catastrophe
Source: wpclipart.com
Nuclear Fireball      (Source: wpclipart.com)

 

 

On the last Saturday of May, I arrived home to find a flyer on my apartment door from the leasing office. It was late, I was exhausted, and the entire page was filled with two bulleted lists of detailed instructions followed by several paragraphs. It looked complicated. It looked like a pain in the ass. So I tossed it on the kitchen counter and went to bed.Continue reading Construction Catastrophe

Tonsillectomy Treachery

Tonsillectomy Treachery published on No Comments on Tonsillectomy Treachery
By Lotus Head from Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa - sxc.hu, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=134639
Photo Credit: Lotus Head, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa. (pixelpusher.co.za)

I had an appointment recently with an oral surgeon to discuss the upcoming extraction of two of my wisdom teeth. He advised me that for the first day after the procedure, I should eat only soft foods that I wouldn’t have to chew such as apple sauce, pasta, soup, pudding, yogurt and ice cream. At the mention of this last item, I flashed back to my early childhood and the bitter memory of betrayal…Continue reading Tonsillectomy Treachery

Baking Chocolate Surprise

Baking Chocolate Surprise published on 3 Comments on Baking Chocolate Surprise

chocolate_barsThe other day, I was doing a bit of grocery shopping and pushed my cart down the baking aisle to pick up a box of currants for some currant shortbread cookies. I saw the baking chocolate nearby and remembered that I had also wanted to make some brownies. The recipe called for unsweetened baking chocolate which, at the time, I didn’t have, so I tossed a package of chocolate in my cart, as well.Continue reading Baking Chocolate Surprise

Benedict Cumbercat: Zombie Killer

Benedict Cumbercat: Zombie Killer published on No Comments on Benedict Cumbercat: Zombie Killer
IMG_0321
Benedict

I am a cat, scientific name felis domesticus. That’s Latin for “house cat,” but don’t be fooled. We’re one of the most prolific killers on the planet. Don’t believe me? Look it up!

I was adopted from the animal shelter at the beginning of January when I was seven months old. I have an older sister named Violet who is eight. She is a bitch.Continue reading Benedict Cumbercat: Zombie Killer

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